Friday, December 28, 2007

Not hubris.

Thursday, December 27, 2007


Monday, December 24, 2007

Thursday, December 20, 2007

You almost got it right, Bethesda

Made in Japan

Tokyo Adult Expo Photo Essay from Wired Magazine.

I can't report on the amount of pixelated nudity therein, however, I can tell you that that girl's tongue is irreverent!

Golden oldie

I am absolutely fascinated by this thing. This golden record was sent into space with the Voyager probe. Encoded into the grooves of the record is a readers digest version of life on Earth. What you see there on the surface is an ingenious instruction manual that tells the aliens how to read the data on the disc using information they would have to know if they were intelligent enough for us to give a fuck about. Just read the wikipedia article I linked to above; It's so freakin' cool.

The best of Craigs List

I have painstakingly separated wheat from chaff to present to you these hilarious and awesome Craig's List posts:

To The Stoner Who Works At Cottage Inn Pizza

Whoah Super Food Chopper & Bowl of Sweetarts

Wanted: Heart Surgeon for 1/2 Day Gig - No Pay

Seeking the heart of the librarian? - m4w

"What happened to all the nice guys?"

To the Woman who maced me - m4w

Superstars of San Francisco

It's me! Every girl ever.

To the Drunk Hottie who fell off my motorcycle

From the Pizza Delivery Guy

wanted pre 1965 paper money for time travel

To the lady handing out Jesus pamphlets to us trick-or-treaters

Women aren't attracted to men.

my coke for your pot

To the girl who flashed me while I was driving - m4w

Survival Of The Fittest

********ASS KICKING MACHINE*******

The best for last:

RANT: Why I Hate Port a Potties

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

The duke is back.

The perennial butt of every vaporware joke since the inception of the term, Duke Nukem Forever is finally seeing the light of day. This game has been in "development" in various forms since 1997! I present the trailer for your perusal.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Ship damnit!

I'm feverishly clicking refresh on my Amazon order page. Ship my fucking Blade Runner! Now!

Bisoshocking cart

Please don't suck.

So Final Fantasy X was amazing. One of my favorite games ever. Final Fantasy XI? MMORPG garbage. Total shit-bag of a grind fest with uninspired music and lame characters. Final Fantasy XII? Like Final Fantasy XI with a pretty sweet story (I'll admit) but shitty music, shitty graphics (besides the cutscenes) and a whole lot of "meh". So I'm hoping, nay, praying that Final Fantasy XIII will bring the magic back for me. Please, please don't suck.


OMFG. The fist ten minutes of Mother 3 (Earthbound 2). You see, Nintendo didn't think us dumb Americans would want this game since the original Earthbound bombed on the SNES. But like Blade Runner, Earthbound has gained a rather rabid cult following over the years. Nintendo doesn't care. The game came out over two years ago and still hasn't seen an official release from Nintendo. So some fans with mad hacking and Japanese skills have taken it upon themselves to create a translation patch for the Japanese version of the game. Here is the first ten minutes. Let the weird awesomeness begin!

Shitty Ass Game of the Year

[insert picture of poop here]
Cast your vote!

Friday, December 14, 2007

Like I need another reason to want an iPhone

Yeah, that's fucking Monkey Island on the iPhone.

Spotted dicks and stabbings

So Britain is trying to ban samurai swords in light of a rash of high-profile attacks that have occurred recently. England has a pretty serious ban on weapons. Normal citizens cannot own guns or bazookas. Not owning samurai swords may soon be added to the list of reasons why the English are dumb and Harry Potter is gay. From the article:

"In the wrong hands, samurai swords are dangerous weapons."

Well no fucking DUH! It's a fucking sword!

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Disgaea 3 for PS3 trailer is pure, japanese crazy!

This is a screenshot...

For Gran Turismo 5. Jesus! Click it and look at the detail!

Look what the Amiga 1200 could do!


The wise old Mother Superior was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed, hoping to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk, but she refused it. As one nun returned the still full glass of milk to the kitchen, she remembered that the previous Christmas they had received a bottle of whiskey as a gift. She dumped out some milk, poured in a generous helping, and returned to Mother Superior's bedside. Mother took a little sip, then a little more, and soon polished off the whole glass. "Mother," said the nuns, "give us some wisdom before you pass!" She looked up and said, "Don't sell that cow!"

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Oh hellz yeah

Remeber these pieces of shit?

Tiger electronics had a series of these pieces of shit. They were essentially lame, digital watch screens that played worse than early cellphone games. Mom must have figured we already had too many videogames as it was so we didn't get a gameboy until like a year or two after it was released. We got stuck with these. Fun for five minutes on a long roadtrip to Tahoe but that's about it.

World of Whorecraft "Season" 2

Still funny!
Looks like they changed the name to avoid the inevitable lawsuit. Lorecraft. You whores aren't fooling anyone!

Next weekend! w00t!


You must play this thing. It only takes five minutes. Trust me. Do it.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Damn you 3D!

This is a mock-up of what a modern, HD version of Super Metroid would look like. Click it and take a look at the image. I'll wait.

Pretty neat huh?

Someone please give me a couple million dollars so I can make a game with HD 2D graphics. Please. Thank-you.

Monday, December 10, 2007

The anti-steak

Sometimes you go out on a limb and try something new. Sometimes this is a revelation (Lenny's Sub Shop). Other times it is a shitload of fuck.

Today's lunch experience falls into the latter category.

There is a new, hole-in-the-wall sub shop by my work. Their menu is a massive collection of different sandwiches, ten of which are cheesesteaks. I figured that if they had that many cheesesteaks, they probably knew what they were doing and my lunch would rock. I couldn't have been more wrong.

The purported "cheesesteak" I was served was fucking terrible in it's staggering mediocrity. The meat was some type of dry, shoe leather sirloin instead of nice, greasy ribeye. The meat was bland and unseasoned. I seriously think they didn't even salt the stuff. It was too thick to be proper cheesesteak meat and generally unpleasant. There were a few thin, sauteed onions on the thing that were nothing to really complain about; how can you fuck up grilled onions right? What they did fuck up was the cheese. This is a cardinal sin in the cheesesteak kingdom and one for which the punishment is a slow, horrible butt-death. They used fucking regular, shitty, Winco quality American cheese. For those who aren't aware, a traditional cheesesteak has either Cheese Wiz (yes, that yellow crap that Mom put on your broccoli so she could get you to eat it) or white American cheese. Provolone is also acceptable but swiss cheese and FUCKING YELLOW AMERICAN CHEESE ARE NOT! Wiz, white American or provolone; that's it. No other cheese should ever be used on a cheesesteak. Not only did they fuck up the cheese but they also fucked up the steak! I asked for a cheesesteak! Not a fucking shit sandwich! Not some thick-sliced, dried-out, unseasoned roadkill with some fucking plasticine goat smegma cheese!


In case you are wondering, I will not be patronizing that particular establishment again.


I love this dude's art.

Soledad Miranda

Would you like to know more?

Billy is emo but badass.

My reflection, dirty mirror
There's no connection to myself
I'm your lover, I'm your zero
I'm the face in your dreams of glass
So save your prayers
For when we're really gonna need'em
Throw out your cares and fly
Wanna go for a ride?

She's the one for me
She's all I really need
Cause she's the one for me
Emptiness is loneliness, and loneliness is cleanliness
And cleanliness is godliness, and god is empty just like me
Intoxicated with the madness, I'm in love with my sadness
Bullshit fakers, enchanted kingdoms
The fashion victims chew their charcoal teeth
I never let on, that I was on a sinking ship
I never let on that I was down
You blame yourself, for what you can't ignore
You blame yourself for wanting more
She's the one for me
She's all I really need
She's the one for me
She's my one and only

This is too cool for school.

Automatic art generator. Enter a search term into the title box and it will fetch images from google and "artistically" mash them together. Look at this:

Give it a try, it's pretty fun!

Saturday, December 8, 2007

OMFG. FFIV Remake Trailer is fan-tastic!

This looks simply amazing. Final Fantasy IV (Final Fantasy II US) is firmly entrenched as my 3rd favorite of the series behind VI (Final Fantasy III US) and X. This remake for the Nintendo DS looks nothing short of amazing. The vocal rendition of the love theme from FFIV accompanies this trailer and serves to really bring me back to those days in early nineties when my brother and I played this game constantly. Pure SNES magic.

Friday, December 7, 2007

Zero Punctuation's take on Assassins's Creed


Independent Games Festival grand prize winner from last year. What do you think?

I can't get enough of this!

Prepare for head explosion!

Holy crap. You know what this game does? Supposedly it tells you how you feel based on the tone of your voice. Yeah right. Still, this clip makes me want play the game. And be friends with that bear!

I stil want to have sex with all of these chicks at once.

P.S. Erin, I'm totally kidding. Seriously. I mean, c'mon, who would want to have hot, sloppy sex (the Johnny Gong way) with 48 Japanese chicks?

Top Ten Cheesiest Video Game ads

Far from complete, but hilarious nonetheless.


Street Fighter II Baby Kick!


You gotta check this guy out. So offensive. He dogs on religion (all religion) so I like him automatically.

As you can imagine, he pissed a lot of people off with this video.


Jim asked Larry, "If you woke up in the woods one morning with a bump on your head and your butt all greased up, would you tell anyone?"

Larry replied, "What? Uh, no, I guess not."

"Wanna go camping?"


Little Johnny entered Mrs. Marshall's classroom one Monday morning. Mrs. Marshall asked, "How was your weekend, John?"

Little Johnny said, "Horrible. A car hit my dog in the ass!"

Mrs. Marshall cautioned him, "John, you should say 'rectum' instead."

"Rectum?! It damn near killed him!"

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Smashing Pumpkins listening kick

Pisces Iscariot. This album rocks. B-sides from Siamese Dream. Siamese Dream is one of my favorite albums ever and, in my opinion, the Pumpkins finest work. These days I typically find myself skipping over the singles on both Siamese Dream and Mellon Collie; the radio has killed most of these songs. That is what makes this album so special. It's all B-sides. I've heard one song on the radio (Landslide) only a handful of times. Listening to this record is a revelation.

The production of Siamese Dream is now legendary. Listen to the drums on Cherub Rock. Billy was purportedly so angry with Chamberlin that he made him play the drum parts until his hands were literally bleeding. You can hear it. That amazing "sonic wall" sound on many of the songs is apparently the a painstaking process of overdubbing and layering guitar parts on top of one another. Some songs had around one-hundred(!) guitar parts. That amazing sound is here, on Pisces, and is as exhilarating as and exalting as the tracks that "made the cut" on Siamese Dream. Great stuff.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

So this morning I'm driving to work, minding my own business and this smarmy voice comes through my speakers. It's a radio ad for BMW. Now we're all used to hearing the BMW commercials make the claim that their cars are the "Ultimate Driving Machine". I take issue with that claim but it doesn't really offend me so, whatever. What did offend me was a phrase used in the commercial I've not heard in the past. "Privileged exhilaration." Okay, pal, FUCK YOU. FUCK YOUR STUPID FUCKING FACE.

So only the privileged few get to experience the pure exhilaration that only the privileged minority get to experience owning to the fact that they can afford your overpriced cars? Fuck off!

I could just imagine some future former trophy wife cunt-face with too much botox listening to this drek and smiling thinking how privileged she is to be driving the BMW her husband got her to assuage his guilt over impregnating his secretary and subsequently forcing her to get an abortion.

If you have the money to buy an overpriced, pride inflating piece of shit to fellate your own ego, go ahead. But don't go around thinking you're experiencing some kind of amazing, privileged experience. -- they're not THAT expensive. And shame on you, BMW, for making the 67% of people who drive BMWs think they're even more entitled to tailgate you and double park because they are so privileged.

Privilege my balls! Fucks.

Happy Day of the Ninja Day!

Pirates vs. Ninjas. An age-old conflic that is old and aged. In honor of annual Day of the Ninja, er, day, I present this pic. I take no sides in this conflict due to the fact that I am neutral like the Swiss (I also happen to really like Swiss cheese). This pic is awefully skewed toward Ninja-elitism but I will share it with you my loyal (read: three) readers regardless in hornor of this most special day.

Welcome, assholes!

Google is now in control of my life. I manage everything online through Google. It's easy and fun, try it today! All fucking right so this is my new and improved blog with more features. Now you can comment on my asinine posts (which I expect you to do frequently) and even subscribe via email so you can receive my insanely awesome posts the second the hit the interweb. Sweet!

Like these sweet Goatse cookies:

We're (I'm) open for business!