Thursday, January 31, 2008

Gummy bear + science = WOW

The clock is a-tickin'


How much time do you have left to live? According to this website, I will live to the ripe old age of 76! That is 176,000 more days of sweet-ass blog posts, my dear reader(s).

This, of course, does not factor in any radical new advances in life-extending medicine. Considering the exponential rate of scientific advances, we may be the first generation to live well beyond what is considered a traditional life expectancy.

Give it a try!

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

The King of Kong is wrong (a review)

Let me first say that I did actually love this movie. Notice how I didn't refer to it as a documentary. The King of Kong is billed as a documentary about two men wrestling for the title of the World Champion of King Kong. It is not, however, a documentary at all. It is a movie made from real footage and pieced together to create the narrative the film makers wanted to create. A series of glaring omissions, misrepresentations and clever edits distort the true events to a ridiculous degree.

In the movie we see Steve Weibe, the newcomer, take on Billy Mitchell, the World Champ. Accused of cheating to get his record-shattering million-point score, Steve flies across the country to play the game live at Funspot in New Hampshire. At Funspot, Steve cannot recreate his 1,000,000+ achievement but he does manage to best the previous world record held by Mitchell. Billy Mitchell, who is painted as a egomaniacal jackass who would do just about anything to remain the champion, submits a tape with a score that bests Steve's live score. The official judges decide to accept Mitchell's unverified tape and re-crown him the King of Kong. The rest of the movie follows Steve's attempts to break Billy's high score and become the true, legitimate champion. That defines the narrative thrust of about 2/3's of the entire film. In reality, Steve Weibe was the already the officially-recognized champion. Billy's video taped score was taken down 48 hours after the Funspot event and Steve reigned as the World Champion for over three years!!! So then the entire plot of the Twin Galaxies conspiring with Billy Mitchell to keep Steve out of the official records was and outright lie. There are numerous other examples of the filmmakers changing things around. You can read them all here:

The King of Kong - Official Statement

That being said, the movie still fucking rocks. It's too bad that the story they were trying to portray as reality ended up being a cleverly edited fantasy. Despite all the editorial chicanery, The King of Kong is still a must-see film.

Buy Rez NOW!

Cult-classic PS2 game Rez, realized on the Xbox360 Live Arcade in full hi-def and 5.1 surround sound. Fuck yeah! Synestesia will be experienced tonight!

Best spaceship name ever!

Behold, the frickin' Vic Viper from Gradius in all of it's injection-molded glory! Yeah it's a model. Someone build me one.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Rambo, the review

How Rambo feels about raping white women.

I thought of writing one of these myself but I found one on IMDB that is 200x better than anything Roger Ebert has ever written:

If I could mold this movie into a flaming blood soaked ball of rage (which I can) I would hurl it right at Hilary Clintons head!

I actually brought my own gun to the theater and started cleaning it while this movie was playing. The manager didn't say anything because he was a man and he knew better.

I can't believe how God damn awesome this movie was. It's almost as if Stallone didn't direct it in the conventional sense; like using cameras and actors and what not. Instead, he just ate a whole tub of raw meat, ran into the jungle, pulled out his cock and jerked off for 90 minutes and when all was said and done; there was a full length feature film with his name on it.

Watching this movie made me angry. Not the bad kind of angry but the good kind. Of course, all anger is good anger as far as Rambo is concerned. When the movie was over I stood up and said to myself "I'm gonna' go break something!" I just started punching people on my way out of the theater. I saw a movie poster for "Sex and the City" and I didn't even hesitate - The next thing I knew I was throwing some woman’s baby right through the damn thing. The baby was fine by the way. In fact, I consider that baby to have been baptized in Rambo induced furry. I swear to Christ if I had run across a Burmese militia on my way home that night I would have handed them their asses.

Rambo "negotiating" with a Burmese militia.

That scene where Rambo used the one bomb to explode the bigger bomb was nothing short of pure cinematic genius! Name me a mother fucker with balls big enough to pull a stunt like that? Go ahead, I dare you. John Rambo did nothing but kill people in that movie. I mean that was it! The whole Goddamn movie was one long continuous slaughter and Rambo was the man wielding the butcher knife. Literally! He forged his own fucking blade! Just for this movie! And you know you're a bad ass when all you ever dream are bloody war ravaged nightmares narrated by Colonel Troutman. You think Rambo ever dreams about Peace and happiness? Yeah, neither do I.

This movie should win an Oscar for best everything.

The absolute best line in this movie, which also happens to be the greatest line in all of movie history, no wait, human history: "Fuck the world".


Couldn't have said it better myself!

Friday, January 25, 2008

No way.

Please come out soon.

The New Sex Tech for Star Wars

Tears in rain

I've seen things you people wouldn't believe.
Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion.
I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate.
All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.
Time to die.

The only redeeming feature of the Terminator show

...are these promo pics.

Every last drop..

Click this link.

The website you are looking at is running on the computer you see in the pic. It's a Commodore 64. From 1982.

It has a 1 MHZ (that's megahertz) processor.
It has 64k RAM.

Keep firing, assholes!

Thursday, January 24, 2008

The Zorg ZF1

"It's light. Handle's adjustable for easy carrying, good for righties and lefties. Breaks down into four parts, undetectable by x-ray, ideal for quick, discreet interventions. A word on firepower. Titanium recharger, three thousand round clip with bursts of three to three hundred, and with the Replay button - another Zorg invention - it's even easier. One shot...And Replay sends every following shot to the same location! And to finish the job, all the Zorg oldies-but-goldies. Rocket launcher...Arrow launcher, with exploding or poisonous gas heads...Very practical. Our famous net launcher... The always efficient flame-thrower...My favorite. And for the Grand Finale, the all new Ice Cube System!"

I want one!

Why we love lolcats

According to a new study, our brains evolved the ability to notice animal movements for (obvious) survival reasons. Our brains focus on images of animals faster and more intently than most anything else.

I personally think that we love lolcats because they are fucking hilarious and cats are awesome.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Gettin' serious now.

Pretty much sums up my "religeous" beliefs.

"The whole history of science has been the gradual realization that events do not happen in an arbitrary manner, but that they reflect a certain underlying order, which may or may not be divinely inspired."

-Stephen Hawking


Click image for full effect.

Like Lost but with Mario instead of John Locke

Probably not considering that this level is one of the "lost" levels of Super Mario Bros. 3! Using the electronic wizardry of a the venerable Game Genie, even a lowly plebeian like yourself can experience these strange and wondrous creations.

No one, save perhaps Miyamoto himself, knows why these hidden levels exist. Perhaps they were used to test various functions of the game. Or maybe they are unused levels that were too hard or simply didn't make the final cut. Whatever the case, these levels remained hidden, lost in the machine code of the game ROM for years until some intrepid NES freak discovered the means to access them.

Lost Bytes

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Geek Chic

From the creator:

Everything on the terminals and sound is controlled by an Intel 8080 Microprocessor at 2MHz. The sound chip is a MOS SID (From a Commodore 64).

How Jesus play Super Mario Bros.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Defeat Super Drunk must !!!

Remember Bubble Bobble? If not, let me sum it up for you. You're one of the eponymous little dino-dudes named Bub (or Bob if you're player two). You shoot bubbles to envelop your enemies, then you run into them to pop the bubble. Of course this ruins their shit and sends them flying off to their death. There are 100 levels of this. Well 104 if you count the secret rooms and the demo screen.

Speaking of secrets, this game had a ton of them. Plus it had a secret alphabet code that was only revealed in hidden rooms throughout the game. How do you find these secret rooms? You have to get to levels 20, 40 and 60 respectively without losing one life.

To get the "true" ending, you have to beat the game with two players. Twice. You see, this was one of the first games with hidden codes and multiple endings. You had to beat it, know the secret alphabet to decipher a code on the ending screen, enter that code at the title screen (thus putting the game into Super Bubble Bobble mode) then beat it again with both players alive at the end. That's freakin' core!

Another interesting thing about the game is how it generates the special items. Nearly everything you do in the game is recorded and will trigger certain special items to appear in the game. For instance, each time you jump it gets recorded. On the normal difficulty level, if you jump 51 or more times, a Yellow Candy will appear. Most people thought these item appearances were random but they are actually tied to the players actions. This lends the "random" power-up appearances a strange sort of subliminal consistency.

One last thing. Check out the last boss in the game:

His name? You guessed it! SUPER DRUNK! What else would he be called?

More info than you could possibly want to know about the game can be found here.

There is also a sequel called Rainbow Islands that is a fundamentally different game that features Bub and Bob in their human form throwing rainbows and shit. Awesome.

Saturday, January 19, 2008


I forgot how cool this game is. Also, DOSBox rules.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Monday, January 14, 2008

Ten things I learned from watching the new Terminator Show

  1. Summer Glau is hot.
  2. Barcaloungers are bullet-proof.
  3. Terminators like Doritos (who doesn't?).
  4. Terminator minus James Cameron equals shit. But we already knew this (see Terminator 3 Rise of the Machines).
  5. Some bank vaults are also time machines.
  6. You can cause a terminator to do a 120 second reboot by applying 120 VAC directly to the back of his meat-covered chrome-dome.
  7. Some terminators have tits. The status of terminator vaginas is unknown at this time.
  8. When the isotope solutions turns red, you can fire.
  9. The line "Come with me if you want to live." sounds better when our Governor says it.
  10. "Cromartie" is the best name for a substitute teacher/terminator ever.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

On the absurdity of religion

Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

-George Carlin

Monday, January 7, 2008

Now that's some arcade trash-talkin!

He's so pringles!

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

World of Goo!!