Monday, January 28, 2008

Rambo, the review

How Rambo feels about raping white women.

I thought of writing one of these myself but I found one on IMDB that is 200x better than anything Roger Ebert has ever written:

If I could mold this movie into a flaming blood soaked ball of rage (which I can) I would hurl it right at Hilary Clintons head!

I actually brought my own gun to the theater and started cleaning it while this movie was playing. The manager didn't say anything because he was a man and he knew better.

I can't believe how God damn awesome this movie was. It's almost as if Stallone didn't direct it in the conventional sense; like using cameras and actors and what not. Instead, he just ate a whole tub of raw meat, ran into the jungle, pulled out his cock and jerked off for 90 minutes and when all was said and done; there was a full length feature film with his name on it.

Watching this movie made me angry. Not the bad kind of angry but the good kind. Of course, all anger is good anger as far as Rambo is concerned. When the movie was over I stood up and said to myself "I'm gonna' go break something!" I just started punching people on my way out of the theater. I saw a movie poster for "Sex and the City" and I didn't even hesitate - The next thing I knew I was throwing some woman’s baby right through the damn thing. The baby was fine by the way. In fact, I consider that baby to have been baptized in Rambo induced furry. I swear to Christ if I had run across a Burmese militia on my way home that night I would have handed them their asses.

Rambo "negotiating" with a Burmese militia.

That scene where Rambo used the one bomb to explode the bigger bomb was nothing short of pure cinematic genius! Name me a mother fucker with balls big enough to pull a stunt like that? Go ahead, I dare you. John Rambo did nothing but kill people in that movie. I mean that was it! The whole Goddamn movie was one long continuous slaughter and Rambo was the man wielding the butcher knife. Literally! He forged his own fucking blade! Just for this movie! And you know you're a bad ass when all you ever dream are bloody war ravaged nightmares narrated by Colonel Troutman. You think Rambo ever dreams about Peace and happiness? Yeah, neither do I.

This movie should win an Oscar for best everything.

The absolute best line in this movie, which also happens to be the greatest line in all of movie history, no wait, human history: "Fuck the world".


Couldn't have said it better myself!

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